Today I feel frustrated, angry, grumpy. If I were to have one of those magnet “How Do You Feel Today?” charts I would be thorough confused. I feel like the rebellious teen, the rotten one who sits in her room all day, glaring at anyone who dares to try and enter my world.
I suppose the mother and daughter of the family often butt heads about thins; boys, friends, clothes, rooms, the phone, freedom. Today I woke up wanting to go, I was ready to pack up and go. Anywhere, somewhere, just not here. I wanted to see people. Kate, Kevin, hell, I would have been happy seeing the librarian. I started with Kevin. Sunday tends to be “out” day so I figured, since my mom was grading papers and Brandon was working on the house it wouldn’t be a big deal or much of a problem, just to be sure I asked Brandon who, of course, sent me to my mom (he doesn’t see to be about to give me a straight answer. Olivia-yes. Me-no, it is always go ask you mom.) So I went and asked my mom and she suddenly decided that it would be a family home day, (which by the way was what we did Friday night and most of yesterday) and I couldn’t leave even though she had to grade papers all day and wouldn’t even see me.
When I looked at the calendar, however, I realized that next weekend is the state drama festival which is craziness on wheels, the weekend after I’m pretty sure he will be gone and then the next weekend I will be gone, which brings us to May. Sure, we see each other at school but for ten minutes and that just isn’t enough time to spend with the guy I really really like.
After seeing the calendar I appeal to my mom, saying I would clean my room and do my homework and put away my laundry before I left. I did everything that a dutiful daughter would do, including playing with my siblings and setting the table. But still, the answer was a solid no.
Kate called later, a complete and total mess, Derek as usual (he boyfriend who is being a complete and totally fantastically large donkey). She asked me to come over, said she could really use a best friend and some chocolate, and a chick-flick right then. They said I could go if they didn’t have to drive and my room was completely clean and my homework was done and I was home for dinner (this was completely impossible, even for a super human.) Kate didn’t really want to leave home so that was that. Because my mom had invited Kate here I wondered if Kevin would be okay, so I asked, more like begged, I was desperate for normal human contact. And again, being the semi-unreasonable person she is sometimes my mom decided it was too stressful and disruptive to her imaginary ‘nothing’ family day for someone to come over-however, it was okay for Allison, Ezra, and Amitai to come here.
It isn’t like I’m not a good kid.. I do most of my homework, I participate in after school activities, I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, I don’t have sex or hang out with a bad crowd. I love my family, I am nice to them, I call those of them who are far away every week and offer to help around the house when I can. I nearly always take no for a final, valid answer and am basically a decent daughter and sister.
But this had nothing to do with today. My mom had this idea of a great fun family day where we all get along and then go to bed at eight-thirty like the All- American family we aren’t. And I’m sick of acting like that all-American family that isn’t like ours. We are dysfunctional and slightly crazy in our own way, but we are not all-American. But for some reason my mom has this picture in her head of us that she needs to play out, even if it kills us and her along with us. I don’t understand, I am like my mother in many ways, but not in this one, because as much as she wants to do ‘nothing’ for a day, I want to do ‘something.’
2 comments:
Thank God you are exactly who you are, and now I don't feel alone in my elephant-trumpeting mood. Yes, your mom is "She who must be obeyed," just like all moms are sometimes. But this family-togetherness isn't a lot of fun when you need friends, is it? I assume you didn't all form a circle and chant or do a giant jigsaw puzzle together or make cookies or do a project. Sometimes the adults just want to assert authority over what they can control. Maybe because there's too much we can't control. Unfair, but there it is. At least you vented, and maybe it made you feel a little better.Thanks for sharing.
And, whew, this Sunday is just about over...not that I encourage wishing away one's day or life, but some days are just plain better than others. I suspect it's the unreasonableness, the unjustness, of the "because I said so" attitude that is the most upsetting -- at least, besides the obvious overriding desire to spend time with Kevin-- that's how I would strongly feel in your situation!
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